I dreamt of my Nani in a vast meadow

I dreamt of my Nani in a vast meadow, with the sun shining from all directions.
There was a field of daisies, or perhaps they were daffodils.
It doesn’t matter because I just wanted to go sit by her.
With every step I took the space between us grew. 

I walked and she moved further.

I walked and she became smaller. 

I walked and she was gone.

How can she be everywhere but not there for me to hold? 

I tried to call out but couldn’t find my voice. 

How can I honour her when my words will always fall short?

I believe her last breath carried all the love she had, it traveled to the next room where I was sleeping and wrapped itself around me. 

I carry that love in every moment. I see the miracle in every creation. Like a child seeing the world for the first time, I am always in awe. 

My Nani gave me many gifts. She taught me to sew,
to have patience with my machine,
how to fix the tension of a bobbin,
to raw stitch fabric. 

To sew and to take apart, to sew and to take apart. 

To try again and again and again. 

She taught me to honour every task.

‎دل سے کرو بیٹا

//Put your heart into it my child.

Folding laundry, washing dishes, making food. 

Everything is a ritual, every moment is sacred.

Even in the late stages of her cancer, in bed, frail body. 

I would come visit and she would clasp my hands in hers and say 

‎شہزادی آؤ میں تمہارے ہاتھ گرم کروں

Come princess let me warm up your hands. 

How could I not love deeply after being loved like that?
Her passing has healed me in so many ways. 

I feel ready to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to pour my heart out, to see that even the most difficult of people just want to be loved. 

I live every moment wondering how I can make it so I am worthy of the love I received from her. 

I miss you Nani, but I see you everywhere.

 - Mahzeb

Nani = maternal grandmother in Urdu